I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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