So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
