Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Randomize
