I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
