U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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