I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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