We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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