new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
