it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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