before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
