According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You pole danced in your parka.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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