I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
