Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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