I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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