wrigley field is MILF paradise
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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