Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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