this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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