just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
