dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
