I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
