she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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