You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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