Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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