i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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