When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
