you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
and she was petting her beer can
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
