woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
