She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He? As in you personified your dick?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
