just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
