Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
