No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
