WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
