so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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