i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
