WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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