Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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