Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
