He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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