put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
They have beer where we have blood.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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