my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
