evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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