She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
