Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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