Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
