hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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