I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
i've created a new STD.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
