singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
