I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
