I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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