why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
