I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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