Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
