and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
